Something Of A Vision-Quest

 October 24, 2023

The miles traveled behind me far exceed the miles I have left to travel. How do I maximize and milk the most out of them that I possibly can?

Now that’s a serious question that begs an answer.

Reality is what it is. I can’t change reality. I have to face reality for what it is. I can look back over all those years, even to photos of myself in diapers, and attach times and dates. Looking ahead? None of us know the day, hour, or circumstances of our final Rite of Passage. How much of life do I have left? I do not know. Therefore ...

I started a letter to him last evening. The last time I wrote was not long after we received Shirli’s cancer diagnosis. We had been out of touch for a few years. I received a reply from him a couple months after Shirli died. I had hoped to work him into my rambling even if it meant having to get another passport. His reply was mostly a burst of vitriol on a number of subjects. He then informed me that he had changed and for me not to bother coming to see him.

I’m not surprised. Shirli and I watched him isolate himself over the years. Not just geographically out on the edge of remote Canada. More so socially and quite dramatically at that. But it still hurts. We had many great conversations on many subjects … from faith to fishing, we had it all covered. We had a lot of good laughs laughing together over our own antics. We hunted and fished together. He and I go back to 1999 out on the NW Kansas prairie. I can only feel for him and pray for him. I know the stories of the throes he endured in his career of pastoral ministry that prompted him to leave it behind and move into a lifestyle of seclusion devoid of boards, councils, and outright mean church folk.

Outside looking in, it would appear that the most I am doing is planning and going on rambles. Honestly, there’s not a lot planning goes into these rambles. They are quite spontaneous. And I always travel with an Atlas. Hah. [Don't tell Google Maps.]

There is a part of me that would definitely like to have some kind of flexible plan in the going forward department. But I don’t. And I feel no urgency to rationalize some program of steps that may or may not work out like I thought they would. Life has enough disappointments already and I’m still recovering from the emotional bludgeoning that I’ve been through. My emotions, although they are now in something of a different and unfamiliar realm, are still heightened. I have to pay attention that I do not allow emotion to override reason and make decisions that will come back to bite me on my arse.

On the inside looking out, I have begun something of a vision-quest. The initial thought of it came on the way home from South Carolina. No. I’m not brutalizing myself before having my breasts pierced to hang from the sacred tree at a Sundance. But I need a divine visitation and a little insight into where I’m headed where all I can see is fog.