My Heart Is Open As A Shrine

November 10, 2023

The intrinsic qualities that make a person who they are doesn’t change. They remain the same. They do, however, as time and experience progress, become compounded by layers that settle upon them … layers that can harden and become concrete weights paralyzing and holding in check these intrinsic qualities.

The more I part with … the freer I feel.

I came to a profound realization of this just minutes ago when I lifted the lid on that big can and saw the “things” in there as I added more “things” on top of them. Oh, I’m not going at it balls to the wall like I did with that first major culling that gutted me. This is different. This has a certain savor to it, sad though as it is, that brings warm feelings to my heart and smiles to my face. This … this parting with … can’t be rushed or hurried. It can only be savored as part of the unfolding of this life-transition that I’m living in.

There is another side to this parting with things.

As I dig in deep, taking one step at a time to reconfigure things within these walls to more appropriately suit my own personal needs as “just David” … rather than the David in Shirli and David … I’m finding things tucked away that I had forgotten that I had. Talk about the memory rushes associated with things like that. Then, every time, there comes that dual question that begs to be answered. “Is this something that I need to keep or is it something that I need to part with? If I say to myself that I need to keep it, then a second question presents itself. “Why do I think I need to keep it?” Is it purely sentimental now or something that I will likely use going forward?

No. This process really doesn’t get easier. But, at this point in the trip, this different realm of emotions that I’m living in these days is more than capable of dealing with things without having the emotional fall-aparts that were so resident during those long dark months in that terribly dark hole. It’s still emotional. But it’s a different emotional. So different that it is difficult to describe. So different that I’m inclined to believe that it’s something that must be personally caught because it can’t possibly be taught. And, what a hell of a price we pay for the catching.

This is fine tuning the present as it really is. There are things that I cannot hold onto to any longer simply for the sake of sentimental value. There are things, too, certain special sentimental things, that I will never part with if I have any choice in the matter. But life changes. Take that to the bank. Life especially changes when you begin to see the autumn changes coming. Take that to the bank too.

“My heart is open as a shrine.”

And it is. Open to both receive and to give. 

My God. I’ve never been here before. This is new ground for me. This is sacred personal space. And, as many times as I’ve listened to Seger sing those words, never before have they impacted me as they have just now. My heart is open as a shrine. Everything in a shrine is in plain view for others to see. 

No. This doesn’t scare me one whit. There was a day when I labored to keep Shirli from suffering any repercussions from my troubled youth and young adulthood. My Doll Baby is no longer physically with us. Shirli has been liberated from this sweet world of sorrows. I don’t have to protect her anymore. I'm free to be who I am. I'm free to be "just" the David that I am in all my diverse flavors.

I just came across a two-inch-thick folder in the file cabinet.

Its contents? A lot of lyrics and poems that I wrote to Shirli in New Jersey while I was out there on the prairie in NW Kansas. I’ve not seen these in a long, long time. Oh. We kept that stack of “hot” emails that we sent back and forth. We kept them for a long time but one day we built a fire and burned our “spicy” emails. What would the children think if they found them after we are gone? [Wink and grin.] Oh golly. How many multiplied hours of typing and editing is it going to take to transcribe and save these lyrics and poems into this hard drive?

I have a lot of keystroking work ahead of me to do as part of this life-transistion if I am going to leave behind an honest account of the life I've lived.

The photo? That was a beautiful camping weekend. That was the first time that Shirli and I camped at what fast became our most favorite camping spot. I own a lot to Shirli. Her love for me turned me into the man that I am today.