Today ... Twenty Years Ago

 

September 27, 2023

It appears that today, among other things, is going to be a trip down memory lane for me.

Every day involves some memory lane tripping anymore. The memory tripping is different now that my emotional zone is not completely raw and inflamed. The emotional yoyo effect is not nearly as drastic. The emotions are still there … and still quite sensitive … but the out-of-control trips down and back up are no longer a numeral factoring into the equation. Oh. There are still little trips and they do have an effect. But these trips no longer leave me the weeping emotional mess that I was for so many months while I was going through that hell.

Today, twenty years ago today, after nearly two years of happily living together in a pre-marital relationship, Shirli and I walked the aisle together and said our “I Do’s” at the Harmony Hill United Methodist Church in Stillwater, NJ. Side to side, hip to hip, arm in arm, facing every storm in life together. What beautiful memories mark the span of time represented by the life-events that fill those twenty years!

I suppose there is a measure of grief that I’m feeling today this far this side of July 4, 2022 after those months, weeks, and days that I did my best to take care of Shirli after we were informed of the terminal diagnosis and prognosis of the pancreatic cancer. Honestly, it still doesn’t seem real that Shirli is no longer physically right here beside me.

Life has become so surreal.

It’s like I’m in a dream that I can’t wake up from. But it’s not a dream. It’s not a dream that anyone wants to dream. It’s not a dream that anyone can just wake up from. Nay. To the contrary. Anymore, this dream is the epitome of reality and part of life being just flat-assed real.

I’ve always been a sensitive person. Maybe my genetics delivered me a heavy dose of soft emotions. Yeah. It must be in my genetics. [Gosh. How all that genetic stuff works is a huge ponderment. I think about it a lot.]

It’s a crazy thing about emotions. Especially these soft emotions. We can dumb them down by hardening them ourselves. We can numb them with alcohol or dope from the pharmacy. But when we just let them be what they are because of their gift to us, they show us, and those around us, who we truly are as created beings. Rather than feeling less of our softer emotions, we need to be feeling more of them lest we become like so many others whose lives are characterized by discompassion.

This is becoming such a beautiful life-transition. Cultivating and relishing old relationships. Developing and growing in new relationships. Discovering my own personal rhythm in life as “David”.

On this day twenty years ago.

Happy Anniversary, Doll Baby.

I’m celebrating it!